It didn’t hit me that I actually wrote a book until a hardcover copy finally came in. That was about three weeks ago.
Though I wrote the book, went through the editing process, posed for the cover with my beloved behind the camera, there was still a part of me that felt like it wouldn’t really happen, that someone would actually say, “hey girl, this is not working for us. we’ve changed our minds and we’re going to shelve this project.”
For so long I believed that good things could not happen to me, that my dreams and goals and desires and fantasies could not come true. This is how I’ve navigated the world for so long, with feelings of doom, of inadequacy and pain, of letdowns and failed expectations following me. As I write in Redefining Realness, “Happiness was fleeting and accidental; goodness wasn’t in the cards for a girl like me.” I wish I was at some elevated space with myself where I could say I’ve conquered those feelings, but I have not. And this book is not going to fill that craving.
The storysharing process has been interesting. The more you open up, the more you must protect yourself, from others’ gaze and curiosity and investigation and ill-intentions, yet at the same time it cracks you open and makes you realize that when you open yourself up to the world, you find your people, you find inspiration, you find resonant stories. This is what has helped me fill that craving a bit, knowing that there are other people out there feeling, doing, living, loving, struggling, thriving…all yearning to be heard.
Watch my six-part Redefining Realness conversation series
Growing up, the library was my refuge. It was the first place that I interacted with books, where they were accessible and free to me. I often tell the story of when I snuck Terry McMillan’s Waiting To Exhale home and how those women characters she created made me laugh and cry and gasp and snap. They reflected me, showed me myself, and gave me license to dream of a possible world where I could be myself and seek love and affirmation. Reading that book and many others in that library, in a lower-middle class neighborhood, gave me license to proclaim my dreams as a young person: I want to be myself; live in New York City; and be a writer. Someday.
And that day has come, and I am trying my best to be present in this day, to be here, really here, to acknowledge the feat that this young, poverty-raised, first generation college educated, former sex worker, pop culture obsessed, big hair-swaying trans woman of color has pulled off. Redefining Realness is here y’all. It’s here. No one is taking it away. It is mine. It is also yours.
What Redefining Realness has done for me is allow me to stake my claim and take up the space in this world that I deserve. We all deserve this space. A space of our own where we can tell our stories and declare our truths. It’s part of the reason why I launched the I AM #RedefiningRealness storysharing project. I feel I can now, with this book — the record of my life thus far — leading the way for me, exist firmly in the messiness of my past and the sort of brilliance of my present and marvel at what is to come.
I hope you will share this momentous day with me by submitting your reviews to Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iBooks or Goodreads; Tweeting your favorite quotes as you read; and taking a selfie with the book using the hashtag #RedefiningRealness.
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Fantastic book! Read it and loved it, every page! Of course I’m a little biased–I moved to Honolulu in the mid-70s for grad school and stayed for thirty years, so the details, the places, the cultural references put me right in your world. The writing is excellent and having now read your blogs and viewed your interviews I know you are not just beautiful, but intelligent and articulate. I could go on and on with praise, but there’s not enough space here. Instead I have some constructive (hopefully) criticisms, a laundry list, in fact, although they are easily dismissed as beyond the scope. Most important has to do with your lack of discussion of genetics. Were you ever tested? Are you XY? XXY? or even just XX? All are possible (and more) and don’t tell me it’s not important. It is, and here’s why.
You say you want to provide support and encouragement for young trans women and men, but if that’s all you do you miss the big opportunity: changing society, the cis community, the other 99 percent whose perceptions determine whether the trans community is accepted or rejected. And the key here is understanding.
The gay rights movement made tremendous progress in the last twenty years by coming out, by showing that gays are all around us, and really always have been, and that they pose no threat. But trans does not equal gay, one of the most illuminating points you make in your book. I’m referring to your distinction between physical sex, gender identity, and sexual orientation. But this does not go far enough, it leaves out genetics, which most of us are acquainted with and which can shed light on what it is to be trans.
To raise that light you have to go back a step from trans to intersex, that is, individuals born with indeterminate genitalia (Wikipedia has a good explanation). Here we’re talking strictly about the physical manifestation of sex, and we see that just having an XY chromosome does not always guarantee a penis/testes, or having an XX guarantee a vagina/ovaries. In almost one percent of births, God gives us something in between. Most people can understand this. It’s a birth defect, it’s tragic, and it elicits sympathy.
For several decades now medicine has given us the ability to correct the situation, albeit with the burden of choosing, do we make this child a little boy or a little girl? Unfortunately, that decision has often been made for reasons of expedience (which is easier?). As a result we’ve learned that whatever surgical decision was made, whatever pharmaceutical treatment was given, whatever socialization the child grows up with, the child has an independent gender identity that may or may not match the sex it was given at birth.
I do not know how much this explains trans, but even just as analogy it clarifies the distinctions between chromosomes, physical sex, and gender identity. Throw in sexual orientation and we really see the complexity of human sexuality. As opposed to our usual binary view. The idea here is to get people to see past the binary and understand that while the majority of humans may be hetero/cis, a substantial minority fall on the LGBTQ gray scale, and the minority are every bit as deserving of civil rights and protections as the majority.
I also think you could make good use of neuroscience and its search for the location of the self to help explain the intangibles gender identity and sexual orientation. I’d love to go on, but this is not the place. Email me if you like.
I thank you and applaud you for telling your story, but I hope you don’t stop there. I believe you are capable of more. You have a powerful voice and a truly special gift. Help us understand what trans is, make it less scary, make it less threatening and maybe you will help us better understand our place in the human race and reduce the hate and violence that come from fear and ignorance.
Aloha
It was such a thrill to see that ‘redefining realness’ is available here in the Netherlands. Today I got my copy of the book. To me it feels like a beloved friend just stepped into my home. Now we sit together to have a good friends chat. Can I get you a coffee or would you rather have some tea? :-)
Just read the wonderful line ” I want to be a secretary.” I burst out laughing for a good long while. This is such a lovely book already. Janet, you are a true heroine, a really great writer and a very sweet soul. Thank you for this book. It is such an important work and it could not be more timely. I really think everyone needs to read it.
Congratulations! I’m hooked on Redefining Realness! I’m on chapter 7 already! Thanks for sharing your story and carving your niche into the world. You uplift and resonate with so many women.