I’m a currently pre-op trans woman. I’ve been engaged to a wonderful, sweet, kind , loving , loyal and honest man since March. In my 3 years of dating I’ve noticed there seems to be a difference in attitudes about relationships with us depending on age. I’m 50+ and almost every guy within in 5 years younger than me and up serm to have more trouble with a actual relationship. They rarely want to be seen out with me, i think Ipass pretty good. Guys in their 20’s,30’s were much more open to a real relationship. Wanting to show off their date, proud to be with me. They didn’t care what others thought. My fiancee is 24 years younger than me. I’ve never been happier in a relationship. When people start to see relationships that are healthy and “normal” between a trans woman and a guy maybe more will realize it’s ok. We are women, guys can be attracted to big breasts, curvy women, skinny, big booty, small booty, tall, shirt women. We are just another type of women.

Janna your comment really made me think about how difficult it can be for someone to understand something they have never encountered or haven’t been taught about. We need to be educating one another at any chance we get so that potential intolerance can change to tolerance, and that to acceptance and inclusion. For those of us that do not understand something we need to be curious and question others from a place of love and open mindedness. No one is ‘normal’, most people will say they regularly feel misunderstood and I think we can all agree it’s a terrible feeling. Why are we choosing to place this feeling on one another when the option of doing the opposite is just as available. It seems so crazy that accepting someone who is different from ourselves is so hard for some people when the concept for universal love, acceptance, and happiness is so simple and attainable… Treat others how you want to be treated.

In response to Christina regarding men who are attracted to you because you are specifically transsexual, well yeah, I guess you could view that as objectification. I’m a straight man who likes biological women as well as transwomen, hence I’m attracted to women. However, I’m not very attracted to the vagina; never really have been. I’m far more attracted to the male genitalia. But I’ve always been attracted to the female form. A transsexual woman fits that description. Sure, you could say I’m a “chaser” or just into the sex or just wanting a transwoman for her body, etc… but I’m not.

Yes, I’ve been with a transsexual escort, and while she fit all the physical qualities I liked, her personality turned me off completely and her attitude was rude…. so much in fact that we never had the actual coitus.
If we look at this objectively, I’m attracted to certain physical characteristics and a certain personality with certain qualities. Does me wanting to be with a transwoman because she has a penis and cannot get pregnant any more insulting than me wanting to be with a cis-woman because she has a vagina and can get pregnant?
That’s perfectly okay if you find it disrespectful on my or any other man’s part. But I disagree with the assumption that men who specifically date transwomen because of their male anatomy should be ignored and not taken seriously. That’s my sexual preference (a woman with a penis). The much more difficult part, in my case, is finding a partner whose personality I love.

The main point of my reply is that not all men who are attracted to transwoman are just chasers. Yes, a lot are. But then there are a lot who aren’t. Their sexual preference may be a woman with a penis but we (men) also are looking for everything else underneath that (mind, personality, etc….). I think the “chasing” and hiring escorts is mostly due to the taboo still associated with the transworld. Perhaps in decades to come, as transpeople become more accepted, more men will spring up with courage, vowing their love for their transwomen. It just becomes more arduous and disheartening when the transwomen themselves view us (straight men) as lechers and objectifying perverts.
Cheers

Immersion in only one book as a primary reader is a glaring display of ignorance as is selecting only one aspect of any book. So much for compassion, acceptance, Judge not lest ye be judged. It is not your place to judge. Gender has nothing to do with anatomy, per se. Anymore than you’re choosing to be such a judgmental bigot. Wait, I need to correct myself, YOU have the CHOICE to change. Someone dealing with Gender dysphoria, as it used to be called,do NOT. Jason, You want smaller feet than what you have? No problem, just put your feet in smaller shoes. See how well that works? Believe me, I AM being nice.

Personally, i am guilty of using the term ‘chasers’ and i acknowledge that i shouldn’t, for the reasons expressed so well in your article. However, in my defense, or at least for the benefit of clarity, i have found that some people are attracted to me *because* i am trans. That feels objectifying and is often accompanied by a sort of arrogant attitude that i should be grateful they have taken an interest in me. I do not like being taken for granted or assumed to be available just by virtue of my gender. I know that women have experienced this since time immemorial, so there is nothing unusual about this. However, that for me has been my experience of ‘chasers’ and that is why i do not find their attentions in any way flattering or welcome. Nevertheless, in light of the discussion here, i shall endeavour to be more forgiving in future and will avoid using labels that demean others.

so agree with you SMH

You have got to be kidding me! I find the comments, though absolutely the given rights to express of the previous person’s posting so one-sided and narrow-minded. I am a 62 year old heterosexual woman who has relatives, friends and co-workers who have struggled with their gender identification their whole lives.

Most are Christians and Jewish and have come from supportive, responsible parents and families. This also includes younger sons and daughters going through the same with “straight” parents. Time and time again when they have opened up and discussed how they feel, it boils down to not being a choice, but rather how they actually feel inside, in their minds, brains. It’s how they feel and not a choice for them and they can’t be swayed into thinking otherwise. This is how they feel. The ones have married members of the opposite sex have ALL gotten divorced.

Many have met with ministers, priests and Rabbis in an attempt to change their minds, praying for help and guidance. I include them in my daily prayers and am always there for them with my love and support if and when they ask for it.

Only one that I know of is trying to change, but it is a daily struggle, trying to change and adapt her thinking, and is on prescription drugs for depression. She is miserable and can’t enjoy, feel good about herself or even focus on normal daily activities- her life totally revolves around her “confusion” as they put it
and I find that totally unacceptable. She has been on suicide watch as well.
It saddens me when I think about the countless others going through the same struggle, many of them being abandoned by their families and ridiculed by society.

The moral majority should focus on the homeless, abandoned children, the addicted, etc., and walk the talk, and remember “Judge not least thee be judged.” For those who believe in a higher power, and I certainly do, know we will have to answer to our Maker when our life on this Earth has ended, and He will be the one who judges.
Take care of yourself Jaz. I appreciate your courage and will include you and all others struggling in my
thoughts and prayers.

Well said Jason! I think people need to guide there children not confuse them even more!

Your essay hit home really hard for me. You see, I’m a 28 years old non-op Transwoman and My best friend from high school, a heterosexual male, finds me attractive. He wants our close friendship to evolve to the next level and so do I. Before I’ve read your essay, I’ve thought a lot about how our relationship might hurt him in and future endeavors.

“Since you have been honest with me about your feelings, I think it is only fair that I am honest with you. You have mentioned that there are obstacles between us. But the geographical distance is a small obstacle compared to the obstacle of who you are as a transsexual person. Maybe my warm, compassionate nature gave you the false impression that I approve of your transsexual lifestyle. Here is my honest view: I believe you should learn to appreciate the body you were given. I never told you this because I was afraid it would be perceived as judgemental. Many people would probably say our close friendship shouldn’t be possible given the fact that we hold opposite views on an issue that affects you so personally. And maybe those people are right. Maybe our friendship was only a figment supported out of my failure to speak the truth about my view on transsexual people. Maybe you will no longer desire to be my friend because you will feel offended by my view. If that is the case, I will understand. I feel like I unintentionally led you to the false hope that we could develop a different kind of relationship. For that, I apologize. Please understand that you are the first transsexual friend I ever met, and I didn’t really know how to tell you about my view about transsexual people. Like I’ve already said, I did not want to sound judgemental.”

Reading this message had a significant adverse affect on my belief in myself and made me doubt myself as a woman. I feared that no man would ever want a relationship with me. This concern was strengthened when I had a similar experience with another man almost a year later, this time on Skype. He said he didn’t think I should give up a healthy body and perform surgery on it, only to later suggest (in response to me saying that a person’s need to change gender is inherent, not just something someone can choose) that in the future brain surgery to change my mindset may be an option. At that time I had so little belief in myself that I sat and listened to him say things like that to me for a whole hour. I thought the things he said about me were true and though I wasn’t going to detransition or anything like that I did believe I was less of a person as a result. Over time the men I liked were less transphobic, though some still quite ignorant about what it is like to be transgendered and to have issues with one’s body. Some thought I was too needy. But then I managed to associate with men who treated me better, though connection was still very one-sided with them not taking an interest to speak with me. Though I don’t think that was about me as much as they were busy and doing other things, it didn’t feel so personal. Then a couple of weeks ago someone messaged me on a dating site full of support towards me and he said at one point he thought I was amazing. I think we’re just going to be friends but reading the message felt like the polar-opposite to reading the message I included earlier in this comment and our connection as friends has given me a newfound sense of security and hope that there are men out there who will want a relationship with me.

I’m 22yrs post op and I still find it difficult dealing with healthcare issues but mostly from the insurance companies…

Hi Jonny, I don’t know if you’ll ever see this, but best of luck with talking to your family.

You are simply mistaken in your assertion that all transgender people wish to embody cisnormative beauty standards. There are plenty who legitimately do not believe that to be their personal ideal image, and this should be OKAY (but, unfortunately, it isn’t). You don’t seem to be grasping the idea that trans people, women in particular, are expected to embody these physical ideals in our current society, regardless of what they feel to be more true to themselves. Feeling this pressure always on your back influences your decisions, and makes you internalize a lot of cisnormative behaviors. This is not good because this is not the universal nature of all trans women. We need to make space where more nuanced versions of trans womanhood can be expressed, this is essential to the demise of our oppression.

But who is creating these standards? Beyonce is a self-proclaimed feminist but we’ve seen here in 5 inch heels while pregnant, walking thru NYC. Did Jay Z make her do that? I doubt it. Mama serves that all day – by choice.

I think we need to find a better term than “privilege.” I think it’s got a divisive connotation and it shuts people out of “hearing us out.” I know I’m far less likely to receive something (yes, even as a black, gay man, living in the South) when someone starts off with “That’s because of your privilege.”

Incidentally I recall this being a part of your Oprah interview when/where Oprah was even confused. I think you said something along the lines of “I am totally fine being a woman with a penis” (referencing someone pre-op, who wants to stay pre-op).

The crux of being transgendered is that you identify with a different sex – not the “in between” / agender, non-conforming, etc. I’m not sure any transwoman, given the resources, wouldn’t want to be as passable as you. How many girls are growing beards? Moreover, how many wouldn’t go get laser surgery, FFS, etc given the resources?

I think this is an easier platform for you to take as someone that passes. You’re short boots (as I noticed walking behind you thru Manhattan – feeling very Carrie Bradshaw). You transitioned early, etc. I’m not saying those that don’t pass don’t have a story or shouldn’t have equal access to telling their stories, but I am saying how many girls do you know out there that truly give no -bleeps- about passing? I haven’t met any and I have more trans friends than gay ones. Most of my trans friends (particularly the black ones) are very touchy about hanging out with people that “get them clocked.” And they find it insulting when MTFs in particular want the title and the respect women receive (men holding the door open, “ladies first,” etc), but put minimal efforts into falling into that visual archetype. Granted we’re in Georgia…

I think it’s a long time coming before one can walk down the street with a 5 o clock shadow and wig and lip gloss and have people embrace them as a woman because they feel that they’re a woman. In fact I don’t know that I’d even ask that of society. The “girl card” is something even modern day feminists play to their advantage. Cleavage. Smelling good. Heels. What woman wouldn’t like to [be able to] make a man melt – cis or trans? Hetero or homo? It is after, still a [straight] man’s world.

I think there is the type of girl that says “I transitioned, now I’m a woman” and then there are those that say “I transitioned, now I’m transgender.” It’s far more common for transwomen in the USA to be famous FOR being trans or at least have that as a platform. The Beyonce of Israel is MTF, but it’s such a small part of her narrative when compared to transwomen in the USA. Several K-Pop groups have transgendered members – in fact I think there’s one group made up of all transwomen. But they can sing and they make hits.

For the US to be so enlightened, I think there’s still widely the shock and awe of “you know that’s a man, right?” whereas in much of the rest of the world, it’s old news. They seem to be on the “Ok you’re trans – what else?” type of tea.

I’m also interested in Caitlin Jenner’s political stance, as I think it’s an important factor in representing the trans community. Not that there can’t be a Republican trans person, but to me, a lot of Republican beliefs and ideals go directly against LGBTQ activism. I’m interested to see if her transition will bring her more awareness about how Republicans and conservatives have directly blocked access to affordable healthcare, especially for “working class” citizens, which is a very necessary part of anyone’s life (cis or otherwise). Healthcare is a right, and shouldn’t be limited to a privilege only for those who can afford it. I hope Caitlin uses her own privilege to her’s and others’ advantage and possibly, opens her mind to a different political stance – one more in support of her needs and the needs of other trans women.

Your work has been essential in helping to creating a culture/context in which Caitlyn could come out and feel supported. In which people actually care about getting the pronouns right and feel empowered to call out the media for being unaware of privilege. YOU are one of the reasons that I became interested in understanding these issues now and have come to realize how important it is to talk about in the right way. You better believe I want you to continue steering that ship and setting an example for everyone who wants to know how to be a good ally and avoid speaking out of ignorance.

I think people that have been interested in gender/sexuality issues and other topics in social justice sometimes forget that there is a HUGE learning curve. You can’t just learn the nuances of privilege and gender issues in one day, even if you really do care. I sure didn’t…when you’re ignorant, you don’t know what you don’t know! Acceptance and understanding take time, and Caitlyn’s coming out is going to go far in normalizing the transgender experience for a whole lot of people in the mainstream.

The opportunity for educating in open-minded-but-uninformed people is immense. This is going to be the first time that thousands and thousands of people have ever even heard about the idea that sexuality and gender are different, that “bottom” surgery isn’t a requirement to transition, or learn that it’s insulting to call a trans person by their old name or misgender them. Think of all the old white dudes who are going to remember what a hero & idol Bruce Jenner was in 1976 and are going to seek some understanding as to how and why “he” of all people is actually “she.” You’re providing invaluable perspective and language for those of us who want to be prepared to explain this stuff to the kind of people who watch Orange is the New Black but have never heard the word “cisgender.”

You are change Janet Mock. You don’t just represent it, you are IT. The courageous voice
that waves her fist in defiance, able at a moments notice, to explode.

As a cisgender woman in her mid-40’s, a few of the things I’ve been most uncomfortable with are:

* What I see as the further objectification of women with this Vanity Fair cover.

* The implication that ‘real’ trans women must look a certain way. This feels just as toxic to me as the misogynistic beauty standards cisgender women are held up against. Just let us be ourselves – no matter how ‘pretty’ a woman we appear by culturally constructed beauty standards.

* Privilege.Privilege.Privilege.

I’m deeply appreciative of your bringing that out into the open in such a nonjudgmental and honest way. Ms. Jenner has the money to do things that the vast majority of people would have to scrimp and save for years to achieve, and that’s if they can manage to save the money at all in this economy and with the discrimination so many trans women face.

I have a friend literally trapped inside a body that doesn’t fit because of money. She is a honorably discharged combat veteran – she put her life on the line to protect us and her VA insurance will not honor her needs and her service. I find this outrageous!

I appreciate the comments here too. Conversations around privilege must continue to happen in many different forums to help raise awareness. Hopefully, one day, awareness will lead to action and positive change.

With the greatest respect and sincerity,

Jennie Diana

Also on FaceBook as Jennie Diana

Thanks for all your good work!

Thank you for posting this wonderful article. It really gives me strength, i actually just share this on my timeline so that people would able to read this and realize that yeah we trans women are worthy to be seen in public with man that were no difference from a woman they seem to know well.
“We are not secrets. We are not shameful. We are worthy of respect, desire, and love. As there are many kinds of women, there are many kinds of men, and many men desire many kinds of women, trans women are amongst these women. And let’s be clear: Trans women are women” – I LOVE THIS!

Jason, you should check your own grammar before finding fault with others. Your own leaves much to be desired. I find many, many grammatical and spelling errors in your comments.

jason Stevens – “Gender” and “Sex” are not synonymous. “Sex” is what you are referring to when you speak about DNA, X- and Y- Chromosomes. “Sex” is the biological factor and is defined by our DNA. “Gender” is socially constructed, socially defined. DNA does not relate to Gender in any fashion. Therefore, the argument you make isn’t quite valid. You are entitled to your beliefs, but attacking (i.e. calling names) someone for theirs is not an efficient way to conduct an argument, whether it is of a moral basis or not. You can’t change science; and changing culture is nearly as impossible.

Janet – I happened across this article when I was searching about Jazz for one of my college courses (“Gender, Sexuality, & Homophobia”). It is an amazing article, and I just wanted to pass on some praise. Keep up the fantastic writing.

Thank you Janet and Gabriela.

But being as I am so new to this world I am very afraid of even being seen by strangers, let alone friends or family, in the company of her. And that is not fair to her, not at all. When I first met her it was on a t-girls date sight and I totally made it clear that I needed a completely “passable” t-girl in my life to accompany me on trips and dinners with my employers.. She assured me she is 100% passable and her pictures don’t lie, she is. She also thinks my inexperience is something to be valued and not taken for granted. I want my first to be special, with someone special. This girl has been in trans since 13 years of age and has a very supportive family, a very rare thing for T-Girls.
Anyways, I could go on and on. I really hope I fall in love with this girl and am able to no longer live in shame of my bisexuality.
I truly tip my hat to any T-Girl because you are truly an inspiration to me knowing just ho much courage it takes to come out.

J.S

Its an honor and privilege to be let into your life thru your book/story.

Brian M
Birmingham AL

Thanks for providing clarity here. There’s been much discussion, some of it quite pointed and heated, about Golec’s gender identity. To respect the possible fluidity of Golec’s gender identity, I’ve updated this essay with simply “B. Golec” and used gender neutral “they” pronouns.

Thanks for sharing this and due to the inconsistencies in personal and media reports regarding Golec’s gender identity, I updated the article with the neutral “they” pronoun and used B. Golec.

Of course violence against all trans women, or all people, is wrong. There’s no debating that. As I stated in my piece, trans women of color overwhelmingly represent reported murders. As one of a few trans women of color writers, I take no qualms about centering race, gender and class in my work. We are a large, vast and diverse community and pointing that out doesn’t divide us, it makes us stronger. Thanks!

Sincerely,
Mya

Applause. Eloquent response and I agree. I would love to read something on the celebration of transgender lives. Showing positive support in a public way is a needed step to reduce the tragedies. Awareness is good but awareness of the positive too!

You are so thoughtful and eloquent and such a wonderful spokesperson and advocate for our community. I find your piece thought-provoking, and so true.
But, I have only one thing I would like to add as a Caucasian trans woman who is just transitioning: we are a community, I have been a part of this community for almost 7 years, and in my experience, we have embraced trans women of all ethnicities. Yes, trans women of color are more vulnerable, for all the reasons you have stated.
But violence and hatred against all trans women is wrong! And we all need to take a stand against this violence and discrimination NOW!
All of us have been and continue to be marginalized by feminists and the “LGBT community.” We must ALL speak out and send together: When one trans woman is murdered, be it a woman of color, caucasion,latino, asian…, all of use die just a little.
Thank you for being such a visible, positive and outspoken advocate for all of us❤️

Please correct your article. Brian’s death was tragic and it’s been awful to see people misgendering him left and right and spreading this lie. In addition, it’s very disrespectful to the trans community – instead of focusing on the deaths of actual trans people, the media is creating a false martyr. Brian’s father killed him because Kevin was a worthless junkie. That’s the whole story.

Thanks in advance for correcting this and helping to spread the truth. Our local rave scene has seen too much death lately and we have enough to deal with without this.

Let me start out by saying I truly admire your work, and that it is absolutely necessary and important work that needs to be recognized as such. What you need to know is that I knew Brian (who you refer to as Bri). He attended trans support groups and wanted to be known as Bri for about a year, however in the months leading up to his death he came out as gender fluid and wished to be called Brian and use masculine pronouns. Please respect his memory by not misgendering him! Here is an article that his close friends have told me is accurate. Please spread the truth and respect his memory!

http://www.cleveland.com/akron/index.ssf/2015/02/akron_father-son_fought_about.html

In fact, I would say that without the recognition of one’s privileges, there’s no place for true empathy or solidarity.
Oppression can manifest in many forms. A ciswoman of color has a position of privilege that derives from her being cisgender, while suffering from the oppresion that comes with being a POC. Cross that with class, disabilities, body weight, migratory status or even country of residence and you will find that opression and social exclusion is a very multifactorial issue.
Solidarity happens when we recognize that this differences exists whithin our communities and support each other through them.

I didn’t like your essay, but it needed to be put out there. You spoke with eloquence and maturity and I still did not like it. As a black transwoman, I myself transitioned late in life and yet I have faced virtually no hostility. Sure I get snickers and stares, I get called sir here and there because I am not passable, but I kept my job and so I have an steady income. I am in school, “in San Francisco” so no issues there as we transpeople have basic rights in this neck of the woods. Yet and still a trans-sista at the ripe age of 36 was murdered in this very city not 2 weeks ago in a city “rumored” to be a bastion of equalty. You and other trans-women do so much for the trans-community, our identities and lived experiences are being broadcast over the media-waves and yet we still face an up hill climb that rivals climing half-dome.

My family for the most part accepts me, I’ve had very little friction there. I live in the EastBay, in Oakland Ca and people make jokes about how dangerous it is over here, especially for the LGBTQ population, the emphasis should be on Trans-women. Oakland Ca and Alameda county is one of the most friendly and accepting regions in the nation and yet the possibility of being murdered looms for every trans-woman of color on this side of the bay.

We need to, no we must shout louder, we must protest longer, we must stand longer, we cannot give in to hate, even if we don’t like hearing about our injustices. There are times when I wonder why it is so easy for people to hate? I’m far from being naive but the hate that is spewed like venom towards a people, community, race or whatever is simply mind boggling.

You see, I didn’t like your essay because it reminds me, I have to shout louder, stand longer, protest longer, “I” need to bear down and give more, help those who don’t have what I have. We have enough shade and backstabbing in our community that it’s keeping us from progress. When we come together, when we support one another, when we fight together we can overcome anything. There are times when I just want to walk away and then I read an essay by Janet Mock or watch a youtube video by one of the multi-talented trans-sistas out there. I read stories of trans-women struggling, making ends meet, volunteering, doing whatever it takes to make the world a better place and I hope and pray to myself that one day I will read an essay by you or someone else that celebrates our lives. An essay where you are not shouting and explaining over and over to people why our lives matter. We really have to explain to people why our lives matter! That is a trip! Explaining to people why our lives matter is an exercise in combating hate. Explaining to somone why they should care is weird in the extreme. When tragedy occurs whether by nature or human hand, people come together, you don’t need any examples because they are all over the news (well in free societies anyway) but when trans-women are murdered, we have to “EXPLAIN” to people why they should be outraged, why they should care.

I was mentally injured reading your essay, yet it needed to be said. I’m sure I COULD NOT have done a better job and to be frank, honey, I don’t know how you keep going. You are truly a treasure.

Thank you.

if 100 black men were lynched this year by white supremacist, would there be an outcry! Yes

If there were 100 Trayvon Martin’s killed this year by vigilantes would there be an out cry. Yes

If 100 Black church’s or Synagogues or Mosques were bombed or defamed, what would happen?
REVOLUTION!

HATE CRIMES ALL!

Now if the same number of trans women were murdered by hate crimes would there be an outcry?

Would Al Sharpton or Gloria Allred make statements, would the Attorney General have something profound to say on national TV???????????? Would people be rioting asking for change?

NO, NO, NO\

Unfortunately and sadly THIS IS WHAT YOU WOULD FUCKING HEAR: “https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Re72di5phM0”

THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT!

Speaking about structural racism and oppression is not “dividing on color lines” and doesn’t harm calls for “solidarity.”

Yes I heard of Edwards’ death. A tragedy regardless of how they identified, which I read via my source at The Advocate, was not trans: http://www.advocate.com/politics/transgender/2015/01/28/advocates-mourn-2015-sees-possible-third-murder-trans-woman-color

Initially,Edwards was on my list until I read that they reportedly didn’t identify as trans. http://www.advocate.com/politics/transgender/2015/01/28/advocates-mourn-2015-sees-possible-third-murder-trans-woman-color

I’m a white trans woman, and what you’re saying is very problematic for our community, which you seem more interested in dividing on color lines than speaking of with solidarity. White trans women are frequently targeted with violence and/or murdered as well, just read the Day of Remembrance list. Be real, basically *no* murdered transperson makes any real headlines, whether black, brown, or white. If white victims get more attention, it’s not much more, and often none. We’re all invisible.

Yes, trans women of color have more challenges, of course – but we’re all at societal rock bottom, all extreme targets, and when *none* of us yet have real rights and opportunities, it’s just crabs-in-a-barrel to position trans women of color as more-suffering or more-needing of protection. White trans women have been murdered in droves too, don’t distort facts for your narrative when we need to raise up our community all at once.
Much love,
Em

Other news sources include Goddess Edwards, who was murdered in January of this year. News sources initially misgendered her, which is why she was left off of many reports. http://www.autostraddle.com/already-two-black-trans-women-have-been-brutally-murdered-in-2015-274588/

Just terrible. My heart aches.

I’ve been trying to talk about this issue for decades. About fifteen years ago, I was teaching a class at the Harvey Milk Institute on TransHistory. I posted some of my class notes and essays on a website. Soon afterwards, one of my comments became an internet meme, “One in Twelve”. Of course, that one in twelve was referring only to transwomen, not to all trans* folk: https://sillyolme.wordpress.com/page/3/

The key to understanding these murders is to look at who actually gets attacked, who is actually killed. It is our youngest, and nearly universally straight identified transwomen. Further, given the nature of privilege and sexuality, it is more often women of color, since more transwomen of color are straight identified than lesbian identified, than our older, white, and often very privileged, transwomen.

I feel it is long past time that we (the transcommunity) recognize who is most vulnerable and work to increase both safety and respect to our kids.

–Kay Brown
https://sillyolme.wordpress.com/

Thank you. Love you.

Hi Joselyn — I am so sorry that you are frightened. It’s part of the reason why I am often torn when sharing or writing about trauma, violence and tragedy because I do not want to amplify the threat that follows my sisters’ lives. I am wishing you strength, love and peace.

Thank you so much :)
Faye

I have seen so many changes in our community from when I transitioned 17 years ago. Mine was typical family rejected me, friends turned away, lost my job of 20 years, was attacked and beaten just for being my true self.

How times change. I retired from IBM after a great career as a software engineer (post transition), My family and I are now on great terms and I have many friends who accept me.

But sorry to say that is still not typical, my beginning of my transition is still the normal life for a transgender person.

One of the things that really hurts is how these murdered Trans women are still misgendered and any legal problems they have had are highlighted. Thus to almost justify their murder!!

To most people we are still just pretending to be our true gender and using this to deceive them. Most especially those of color are blocked from getting decent jobs and are forced to enter into the underground jobs just to survive! This is used to then belittle us and say we are not worthy of fair treatment!!

One of the most important things that could happen is the passage of ENDA ( Employment Nondiscrimination Act() to include Gay and Transgender people. If we could get jobs and expose people to us s regular people. It will then start to change the attitudes about us.

Thanks,
Pamela Reed

I appreciate the words. I know how precious words are to you. I’ve found myself fortunate to be a stealth black trans woman with an advanced degree and commendable work experience. Yet find the challenge of connecting with my next job. I can only imagine the challenges girls face with limited encouragement, education, and networking skills. My prayer is to create a channel of employment in my career field for girls seeking mainstream employment and even affirming institutions to educate themselves to their liking. If there’s anything I can do to assemble a chain of support, I’m always available

I have been following you for a while now. I find your words and views to be well thought out, sensitive, strong and intelligent. While I don’t always agree with you on issues, more often than not I do. One thing I truly love the most about you is that you are a great ‘face’ to bring positive attention to people considering gender changes, people fighting with it internally, people trying to come to grips with it, people trying to get loved ones on board to continue to love them in conjunction with their struggles and decisions. Furthermore, you are enlightening the public in a way never done before that these are people, period! They deserve to be treated as such. They want to be loved like anyone else. They do not deserve to be treated cruelly or with violence. No human being does, but we have a society where thugs and bullies like to prey on the perceived ‘weak’ of society, simply because it is easier to physically attack someone who may be smaller, or someone who is not part of a ‘popular’ or ‘accepted group.

I cannot pretend to understand what a transgender person deal with. I am a white, straight male. I cannot pretend to understand what it feels like to be Asian, Black, or even a white person from another part of the world. What I do know if that every one of us have issues we grapple with. Too often we keep these thoughts inside of us as we are afraid of being seen as ‘crazy’ or something outside of societal norms, whatever that is. What I also know is that when we discover that the little secrets we carry are not a sign of illness, that many other people are just like us, it is very discover this and learn that we are in very great company. My own very recent & personal discoveries about myself have helped me to better understand why gay people feel a need to ‘come out’. It’s so exciting to finally know I am okay. I just wish I didn’t have to wait until I was almost 60 to learn this. It would have made a huge difference in my life had I learned 40 years earlier.

BTW, I am a married man married to an incredible woman with 2 daughters I am so proud of. I am a former US Marine and former conservative Republican who is now a conservative Libertarian. My beliefs are my true beliefs, not the beliefs many believe are limited to left wing liberals.

Thank you for all you do!

I think that Emma Watsons recent announcement at the UN Summit was incredibly powerful and something that concerns ALL women. Men are having to protect their sexualities constantly in this day and age if; they cry, they show too much affection/emotion, do too much housework, be loving fathers and have gay friends.
This is absolutely appalling because I am not one of those women who would hook up with a man until I know him well enough but even at that. At which point will society stop focusing so much on matters that they are not entitled any say of and matters that is simply none of their business.

If a man loves a woman, it’s his love. How dare anyone call into question a man’s sexuality simply because he is seen doing something that’s an ancient norm of today’s society. The man hasn’t changed anything about himself, he still plays his sports, hangs out with the same friends (which may be the cause of his anxiety in terms of dating a transwoman’, still has the same personality, political and religious beliefs, likes and dislikes. HE IS NO LESS OF A MAN FOR BEING WITH WHOM HE WANTS and I would not stand there and allow anyone to call into question a mans sexuality because of these things. It makes it harder for me to date any man because first and foremost, they want sex (it’s what men want initially), after establishing I have self-respect/morals and he isn’t getting to dub me one of his sexual conquests or his bootiecall, we move onto dating (although the first establishment is a minor occurrence, sometimes they decide dating me is not for them) but what puts me off is although this man is comfortable to date me in public, I fear that his sexuality may be called into question because it directly affects who I am as a person, a woman and it directly affects my man’s confidence in himself (I think).

I invite society to be the evolved animals science calls us to be, be more respectful, understanding and tolerant and understand that MY RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT YOUR BUSINESS and if you make it your business then we have a problem. Challenge yourself to changing your perceptions of the norms and values. I’m sure you all have enough of your own problems to worry about rather than my femininity and my man’s masculinity.

I am a trans man. I’m going to take a shot at answering your question.

My parents didn’t force or even really push me to be “girly” as a child; I chose swimming classes over ballet, didn’t wear dresses most of the time, and played with toy cars and trucks as much as I played with dolls or stuffed animals. When playing pretend with my friends, I was the dad when we played house and the prince when we played princesses. It didn’t seem significant to me then, and I didn’t object to being considered a tomboy.

Just before puberty and when puberty began was when it started being problematic for me. I knew that I didn’t really feel like a girl, but since I had no awareness of the concept of being transgender and no idea that this wasn’t the way most girls felt, I assumed that this was normal. I thought that as puberty progressed, I’d start feeling like a girl. I looked forward to it, because even though I wasn’t made to act or dress girly, I still felt a subtle discord and discomfort with the idea of myself and my body, and I had a vague awareness that this had to do with my gender. However, instead of feeling more comfortable as my body shape altered and I grew breasts, I felt steadily less comfortable. It felt wrong, and I didn’t know why or even really how.

I’ve tried various approaches to dealing with my gender over the course of my life. I’ve tried dressing and acting in a more feminine way, and I’ve tried dressing and acting as an androgynous or masculine woman. It still doesn’t feel right, even all the way over on the butch end of the spectrum. I’ve never felt good about calling myself a woman or being referred to as “she.” The discomfort with my body has grown slowly worse as I’ve gotten older. I couldn’t tell you why, but that’s how it is.

The best metaphor I’ve come up with for the way my body dysphoria feels is this:

Imagine that you’re wearing a pair of pants one size too small. Imagine the way the pants pinch your waist, bind your thighs, and ride up at your ankles. It’s a relatively minor discomfort, and i probably doesn’t look too bad. If you don’t have another pair of pants to wear, you can deal with it. It’s workable, even if you’re not really comfortable.

Most of the time, as you go about your day wearing the wrong size pants, you’ll be able to ignore how it feels. You’ve got other things to think about, more important stuff to deal with. But the discomfort is always quietly there as background noise. If you have a minute in which you don’t have anything else to do, your discomfort with the badly-fitting pants might come back up to the top of your mind, and you’ll think about how you’d really rather have a pair of pants that fits you and wish you were home so you could change.

Now — take that feeling that you’re imagining, and imagine that instead of your pants not fitting, it’s your body that doesn’t fit. It’s a mental feeling instead of a physical one, but at least in my case, it’s a similar “sensation.” My body is the wrong shape, and I am not comfortable in it. I don’t like to look at it or be aware of it, and I’d rather change it so it fits my internal experience of how I should feel.

This isn’t necessarily representative of all trans people’s experience, but I hope it helps you understand a little better as to why I can’t just be a masculine woman, why instead I need to be a trans man.